Thoughts / Ramblings

My Heart Is Heavy


This post is hard for me to write. I didn’t know whether to even write it here. Whether I want to share any of this. But I’ve been going through a rough place so I feel like it’s just better to talk about it. Even a one-sided talk, just me writing this, is better than not talking.

Recently, a very close friend passed away unexpectedly. We were all thrown for a loop. It was, and still is, a big shock. Actually that’s an understatement. Death is always hard to come to terms with. But suicide is even harder. I haven’t had any previous experience with this personally, until now. We all hear very sad stories in the news of course, and I always feel awful for everyone involved; the person who is gone, but mostly for the loved ones who are left behind to deal with it. I’m a very empathic person. Now I have some idea first hand of how it is. There are a lot of questions. Questions that we won’t ever get an answer to. I go through feelings of tremendous sadness, denial, confusion, anger, at times it all overwhelming. It’s a lot for me to deal with. I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s kind of been the thing that’s about to push me over the edge. I’ve been hanging onto the cliff top by my finger tips for a while now and this is just too much.

And then I feel ashamed and weak and awful because I’m not even the one who’s been affected by this the most. But everyone feels things differently. And everyone handles things differently. Sometimes I feel ok, but more often than not it’s a struggle not to just break down with the stress of everything. I don’t know that there’s anything to do though really, except maybe consider a bit of counselling, which I am.

I just wish more people would realize that suicide isn’t the answer. No matter what you are going through, and how awful it is, and how long you think it’s going to last. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And it doesn’t have to end up like that. I wish I could tell him all that. Tell him that it changes absolutely everything. That things won’t ever be the same again. Even when we do eventually come to terms with this, somewhere down the line, whenever that will be, it won’t be the same. We’ll always miss him.

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4 thoughts on “My Heart Is Heavy

  1. I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Thanks for having the courage to share, I know for me it really does help to write about tough things. Sending good thoughts your way!

  2. Thats a really great article. I don’t know how to handle mostly the guilt that I feel every day at not keeping in touch as much as I could have. You always think there will be plenty of time to and there isnt. it takes 3 mins to write a text and im ashamed that I could have and I didnt . I just thought we would do iike we always did and slip back into catching up like we always did over 10 years. not see each other for a while and then see each other loads. shows what I knew. You are brave and eloquent in what you have written, it is wonderful

  3. Pingback: 2013, You Just Suck! | CarolinesDays

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